Bronson Maximums

We here at Bronsonius Rex wish to give you a limited-time-only opportunity - that is, to implant the tree of knowledge directly into your melon. Don't worry: this regalo will be safe from serpents and firsthumans alike, so you will not have to run interference with the Devil or even with God. You merely have to adapt the following maxims and platitudes, which outline life's blunt truths/sage ad(vices), to your own life.

So go on and hold them in your heart. Live with them gracefully. And carry around a cheat sheet if you dare forget.

A lot of girls do porn.

Boyfriends are lame, especially if you are one.

Order Wild Turkey as your first round.

Take the biggest piece

Never wash Cheetos down with Grapefruit Juice

Recite Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Don't stay in tonight.

Shop at the thrift store.

Ask strangers, "You want hi-hats with that?"

Drink from the pitcher

Don't do steroids

Think nothing of it.

Never wear a hat at dinner

Lift as much weight as you can over your head

Fire that chick up.

Take Kid Rock seriously.

Read when you should be working

Hoop in bad neighborhoods and win.

1 + 1 = 3.

He couldn't, but I can.

Chicks dig bad clothes and a good attitude.

If she's drunk and says, "I'm not going to sleep with you." It means she will. If she's sober and says, "I am going to sleep with you." It means she won't.

"Rock" is a verb... the best verb.

The water is never completely under her bridge.

She doesn't like you for who you are, she likes you for who she can make you.

If the gastank light is on, you can still make it to the next exit - no matter how far.

If you're at a concert and you look around and everyone there looks just like you, then you're listening to the wrong music.

Dance too much.

Go to Memphis

Quote JB Brown

Root for the Giants

Solve every riddle.