Psycho Hose Beast

Quite a week for this chick. First she is conciliatory ("I am honored to be here with Barack Obama..."), then she is vitriolic ("Shame on you, Barack Obama"), after that, she is sarcastic ("Let's just bring everyone together and celestial choirs will come down and sing and everyone will do the right thing."), then irrational ("We just had a president who was inexperienced with foreign policy, and look at the change that happened when he took office.")

This is all too familiar in the female-as-crazed-beast world of mine. Many women have mounted similar smear campaigns against Your Charles to, ironically (paradoxically?), get back together or extend a relationship with Your Charles. Frankly, the belief that naked, ribald desperation (under the guise of holding it together, no less) is the means to a genuine renewal and reconciliation is really, really pathetic. The scorned female is so transparent and cliche, and Ms. Clinton is no different. She wants what she can't have, so her insecurities become manifest in erratic, emotionally impulsive behavior. Her Obama attacks are the exact same as those fawning phonecalls, the panicked emails, the passive-aggressive put-ons of the many girls that have fallen out of Your Charles's favor and have let their jilted emotions usurp proper judgment.


Indeed, boyfriending Your Charles is akin to an infinite term as Madame President of Heaven. It is the prize of the prizes. But no mixed-message campaign would ever impel Charles to cast his ballot for you. I don't care how qualified or hot you are. When you, like Ms. Clinton, are going buckwild, feeling the specter of the perfect situation slip uncontrollably away, selling crazy is not the answer. Face it: The sea change is here, and you must recognize that you have come and gone. One party is moving on and up. The other must not cling irretrievably to the past, of what once was or what could have been, but must move aside gracefully and try to salvage some self-respect. This newfound adversity is not for you to splatter your emotions against, but to move aside from.

So, I anoint Barack the Brother Charles as he tries to get that psycho off his jock so he can go do his job. Which is rocking.