The Hamburgler

"Doc, I've not had a burger in years."
"Is that what you really want to talk about Bobby?"
"Yes."
"Well then, have at it hoss."
"I think that's rather unproffessional..."
"I'm just trying to make you comfortable."
"Thanks... so I haven't had a burger in years..."

"It started way back in history... that is to say, my personal history. I'll skip the first five chapters and tell you that I ended up in Rio at Carnival. It was hot and muggy and clothes were frowned upon. I danced like the dickens and Charles was there."
"I'm not surprised that Charles was there."
"He usually is... So Charles was there and we were dancing like the dickens. And he turns to me and says, 'this trip is going to be a tale of two titties.' And I say, 'that sounds like something I would say.' And he says, 'I learned it by watching you.' When all of a sudden two gigantic women with breasts that can only be described as inspiring camel envy, bounded toward us. We looked at eachother, knowing and not knowing our next moves. We introduced ourselves, in not-so-fine portuguese, as the Didley Brothers, owners and operators of Didley Design... or as we told them, the ones who make the lights blink blink, the music go blah blah, and the asses go shake shake. They were amused."
"They usually are."
"They usually are."
"So... the burgers...?"
"Let me tell it how I want to tell it... so first, we bumped, then we grinded, then as I was flossing my teeth with her g-string, she turns to me and says something about her friend and about how she didn't trust the guy she was with. I explain that I'm the more harmful of the two... she chuckles and sucks on my neck. She's got nothing to worry about - let's all meet up after a shower 'AND SOME E!' she squeels... fine - I'm in Rio. I meet up with Charles and he asks why I have so many hickies... I respond, as I recall, 'because each one felt better than the one before.' I hand jived to the music and moonwalked to a hot dog stand. Rio was great, but as it turns out, E, while it's an awesome form of entertainment is not an awesome form of sexual protection... it's actually the opposite. I spanked more ass than a little bit that trip and my heavy chested lady friend left me with a parting gift... one that rhymes with shmepeltitus and ends with a liver's inability to process greasy foods... I haven't had a burger since the one I got at JFK on the way home."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"It reminds me of a joke."
"Really?"
"Yes. Really. A Priest and a Rabbi are talking - they've been friends for years and years. While confiding in eachother one night the Priest asks the Rabbi if he's ever 'cheated, you know, gone off the wagon and had unkosher meat?' The Priest explains that he has the utmost respect for him and wouldn't question his faith. 'Well then, yes, actually, I've strayed from my kosher life... what about you Father? Have you ever, you know, strayed and compromised your vow of celebacy?' The Priest ponders this and finally says, 'Yes Rabbi, I have, I was with a woman once.' The Rabbi laughs, 'what's so funny?' the Priest says... 'nothing,' the Rabbi says, 'it's just, that's a lot better than a piece of ham, isn't it!?'"
"I'm not sure I understand how that makes you feel Bobby."
"Think about it... maybe this'll help. Two roads diverged in the wood, I took the one with bigger tits... no?... [sigh]... Charles and I are heading down to Brazil in three weeks - we still have those chicks' numbers, you want in?"