Work

Imagine if your job was to pretend you were doing work.

The bosses are out. They've been out for weeks and haven't even called. With each day, the general authority is increaingly moot and equal amongst yourself and your coworkers.

Every day begins with obsequious hellos. Everyone is polite but guarded. Even you grumble hello as you sit at your computer. Then, there is a roomwide pause.

You notice the furtive glances over monitor screens. There is a sudden tension and it is palpable. A coworker blurts out a question about some deadline and lets it linger for someone/anyone to respond. No one does, at first. Instead, one coworker gets up and surrepticiously wanders toward the refrigerador. Another coworker picks up a physics textbook and starts half-reading it. The three of them all secretly look toward each other, then at you. You smirk at the ceiling.

You know these indirect questions and obvious-but-not-too-obvious glances/postures are the bait for which the coworkers are testing the waters of status quo. They first pretend to do work and wait, suspiciously, for everyone else to pretend to do work. It is only once they have confirmed for themselves that everyone is pretending to do work that everyone actually starts doing work. Except you. Your job is to not do work at all.

It is always the same. First a coworker responds cheerily to that token deadline request. It is awkwardly late after the pregnant pause. But that is the icebreaker: once one chimes in, then the others quickly follow. Actual conversations about dates and inquiries and lessons start up. The tension subsides; the veil of uncertainty lifts. The coworkers, now certain of communal complicity, speedily resume (almost with a physical sigh) to normative office culture. They pick up phones and start typing out emails. Their posture suddenly improves.

Each coworker is now sincere in their purpose. They are actually doing work. But since they only assumed that role (as someone who actually does work) through the collective influence of each other, you realize they may be wary of someone who is non-compliant. Especially since a moment ago, they were so wary of each other. So your position as someone who only pretends to do work is vulnerable. The coworkers (who are working) have the majority and can use the majority against you.

So you have to pretend to do work. Which is your job. So you open up a google document, which looks official/professional, and begin typing "Imagine if your job was to pretend you were doing work. The bosses are out.."