An Open Letter To This Homeless Dude

This Homeless Dude,

Not long ago, maybe a fortnight, Your Charles was whistling through a rough neighborhood when he witnessed the furious flickering of a ninja gang dismantling a Northeast DC tenement house. Apparently, a resident had dropped a spoon or had falsely prayed to a false Shinto spirit and thus caused the ninja band to converge like a soft breeze before erupting in piercing shrieks and exacting precise kicks and chops to all residents, furniture, and structure beams. In minutes, the building lay in rubble; there were no survivors. Then, in a screen of smoke, the ninjas vanished.

This incident is indicative of the rampant lawlessness of ninjas today. Many ninjas have formed rogue gangs that have eschewed the ninja's protectorate mantra and have instead pledged fatwa vengeance upon the common folk. Why ninjas have broken away from the order is still uncertain, but speculation exists that Shredder has launched a resurgent footclan and/or East is finally meeting West.

So, as we have all heard and as you have been so tragically privy, this homeless dude, homocidal ninjas are responsible for killing families and thrusting poor survivors into poverty. At least five incidences have been recorded on cnn.com, attributed, of course, to low force tornadoes, erosion, and gentrification. You are not alone in your plight.

Though never fear, this homeless dude, because Your Charles has been teaming with the likes of Pei Mei, Splinter, and Charles Bronson and seeks to team with you, too. Your Charles has been training: timbering forests with his roundhouse kicks, alighting the night stars with throwing stars, and whisking furtively into your gf's mind while you snore beside her, oblivious.

Let me tell you this: Your Charles will fight the Kumate this August in Hong Kong, and you, this homeless dude, are invited to watch and learn. If, when you see Charles keeyaa monkey-like fighters, Sumo wrestlers, and ruthlessly pectoralled kung fu masters, you still believe you have what it takes, then Your Charles will train you himself in the jungles of Siberia and the tundras of Thailand.

Or you could just go through the Charles Bronson movie catalog and watch vengeance alive. Or Your Charles could give you his last five bucks (it was a wild weekend, sorry it can't be more).

So you see, this homeless dude, even though you are homeless and you have a clever sign, your options are still endless.

Sincerely,
Charles Bronson