The Charles Bronson Awards

Sadly, the stale winter of the writer's strike has killed off the Golden Globes and the Dundees, with the Grammys and Oscars likely to follow. So, as we here at Bronsonius Rex would never deprive a readership of high-theater banalities and self-aggrandizing, we have fashioned our own gratuitous award ceremony to celebrate our first 50 postings. For months, our shrewd board of scholars, homeless people, evangelicals, former heads of state, Elvis impersonators, game show hosts, and slutty bartenders has rigorously debated the merit of each nominee over tea and strumpets at Yogis on 76th and Broadway, and has come to a consensus on the following winners of the Charles Bronson trophy.

N.B. A quick word about the Charles Bronson trophy: It is akin to the Nobel Prize for Rocking. Alfred Nobel, a dynamite party animal in rural Sweden, wished in his will to add the recognition for Rocking to his eponymous award, but his wife vetoed it, deeming it "unfit" to be categorized with Peace, Literature, Medicine, Economics, et al. Her ghastly naivete has not been exposed until this day, however, as we honor good Alfred's wishes and incorporate Rock into the esteemed field of great honors this world has ever known.

Without further ado, here are the gracious winners and snippets of their acceptance speeches. (Btw, the ceremony was kept under wraps, especially from the media. Presenters included Tupac Shakur, Elvis Presley, Jimmy Hoffa, and Charles Bronson himself. For those reasons, I hope you understand and appreciate the Level 3 secrecy, and you will be as discreet as I when discussing this award ceremony with the powers that be.)


Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture:
The Gabadose on the Left, "Hustler".
"I really wish you didn't interrupt that conversation I was just having. What the hell is this thing? You know, I was trying to get that girl's phone number, and - whoops! Look! - she just left. Fuck you Academy. .."

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture:
Lady J, "Night Out, Mornings In"
"Oh God! Oh God! Whew! Wow! Where's Bobby? Bobby... Oh there you are. Stand up, please. Thank you so much. You were so wonderful. Oh, god. Is that a bolo tie?"

Best Actress in a Motion Picture:
Maria, "What's It Like Living In DC, Charles?"
"Stop bothering me. Why don't you call me anymore?"

Best Adapted Screenplay/Depiction of Internal Bronse:
Charles Bronson, "The Heighth Of Bronson Fashion."
Charles's response was not clear - it was too loud at Yogi's... but we think there was something about how the bartenders really just looked like dead strippers from the 70's.

Best Animated Film:
St. Pierre, Bronx Teacher Opus, Vol 2
"Charles, thank you for changing my name and saving my engagement. I know none of you know me around here. I'm kinda new. But I'm just glad we had the awards in Yogis this year. I'm really glad this ceremony is not in Memphis. Really, really glad."

Best Documentary:
Big Time Bobby, "Bronsonius History of Time: Part I."
The board tried to reach Big Time Bobby, but the bathroom door was locked... he did offer up this comment through said locked door, "Come back later, I'm administering some extra credit."... then it sounded like somebody was repeatedly dropping a Christmas ham on the floor...

The Hunter S. Thompson Lifetime Achievement Award:
In a landslide victory, Amerigo Bronsonni.
Amerigo, when asked for his speech, said, "I'm gonna give you a speech that will rock your socks off. Seriously, just wait - it's gonna be awesome..."

Best Actor:
Big Time Bobby, "Guided Youth"
For his Stanislavskian portrayal of William the Bard
"I have a kind soul that would give you thanks, and knows not how to do it, but with tears."

Best Cover Art:
"On Srockholm Syndrome"
Accepting the award was Sylvester Stallone, star of "Lock Up."
"Hey, yo. I'm accepting this award on behalf of emotionally guarded teachers everywhere. It's ok to be afraid to teach in a dysfunctional school in a ruined city again. But just know I was afraid to come dressed as Rambo, and look at Lady J. She loves me. she just told me. It's a great night to be alive. I also would like to shout out Pierre for being the Philly bum I always wanted to be, and...[music from 'Magic Stick" commences and drives him offstage]"

Best Picture: "On Rock and Roll Jesus."
Kid Rock, accepting with a toast:

"Times are hard,
And wages are small,
So drink more beer,
And fuck them all."