Bronsonius History of Time: Part I

First, Charles invented fire, then he invented ice, because without fire nobody could fire up chicks and without ice, pussies would never be able to drink their bourbon.
Then the dinosaurs started roaming the earth because Charles had already bested molten lava and needed another nemesis. After he destroyed the lage leathery beasts, he turned them into oil, because some of the toughest men on earth work on oil rigs. He had to give them something to do hundreds of miles off-shore so as to not have these grizzly men kicking the asses that Charles wanted to kick.

The modern world then began taking shape. Hammerabi had his code and Charles recommeded an eye for an eye mentality... MegaDeath would later use this in a song (you're welcome Dave Mustain).
Little known fact; the great Pyramids actually go hundreds of feet (meters) below the sand. Charles thought that it would be cooler if all these tourists and archeologists migrated to Northern Africa to climb up what is really just a structure that represents the top of Charles's Bronson.
Then Jesus and Charles hung out. Charles taught Him some cool stuff he did with robes... he also taught Him some cool stuff he did without underwear. Charles would later hit Judas with a left hook that broke his jaw, he spoke with a lisp for the rest of is dusty life.
The crusades were actually a massive manhunt. The Popes knew that the biggest challenge to their power was Charles and thus they sent armies to find him and try to contain him... the reason there were so many crusades? Charles has a thing for Asian chicks and he was in Bangkok on an opium and hooker binge (sidenote; they might have been hookers, but they never asked Charles to pay). He finally returned to the West just in time to teach the Muslims everything they knew about Astronomy, Medicine, and hats.
Charles didn't go with Christopher Columbus to The New World because he'd already been.


more history to come... for example, the stage didn't break John Wilkes Booth's leg; Big Time Bobby did.